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DopeSelecta
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Name: James
Country: United States
State: Hawaii
Metro: Kailua
Birthday: 3/10/1981
Gender: Male
Interests: Staying sober and continuing the battle, finishing skool at USC and trying to meet new people, skating on my longboard, and keeping real 8 days a week.
Expertise: I'm gonna be an engineer, so I guess I'm good at problem solving.
Occupation: Engineer soon, student present
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  dopeselecta
Member Since:
8/26/2003
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Prayer gives a man the opportunity of getting to know a gentleman he
hardly ever meets. I do not mean his maker, but himself. ~William Inge
Prayer, it's something that really helped reach the point I am at now, but I've neglected it for quite a while. I sat alone thinking about praying, most of the time, I'll just wish the best for this or that person while I'm out walking on the beach or kayaking to the Mokes, but I haven't really just sat and just prayed. For the longest time I used to think that praying was for religious people and I, in all my stubborness was NOT religious. I'm still not religious, but there is an air of spirituality about me now, to say the least. Going back to when I stopped using, to around august and september of 2004, I was an empty shell of a person wanted out of "this." What "this" was, was a pitiful life. Anyways, prayer helped me, it helped me shed the weight of all the guilt upon my shoulders for all the things that I thought drinking and drugging would help me forget. The belief that alcohol and drugs would solve all my problems was the biggest lie I ever could tell myself, what a shitter. Anyways, since that wasn't the case, I gave prayer a chance and, to make a long story very short, it helped me to forgive, which is the next best thing to forgetting (in a good way). Back to the present, I guess I feel like I am in another rut in my life and I've plateaued. I've forgiven others, mostly, but I've left myself out. That's probably why I stopped praying, sucks how my alcoholic mind can still take my thoughts for a spin, could also be I've gotten cocky, which is another no no in my books. I'm thinking this is a cry out to myself to get focused, maybe to pray more, or to take care of the issues within that need more priority. Regardless, I'm glad I've gotten to know myself more in the 3+ years I have been sober to date. Thank you all :)
Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the
attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees. ~Victor Hugo, Les Misérables, 1862
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| Just as the highest and the lowest notes are equally inaudible, so perhaps, is the greatest sense and the greatest nonsense equally unintelligible.
Allan Watts i got to go kayaking with my father for the second day in a row, am probably gonna go out again in the morning, but i wanted to try to write something that made sense of my life, i guess i'm too tired, it is unitelligible. | | |
| i think i have the best thoughts as i drive home alone from honolulu back to lanikai up the pali highway. as i was driving, i got to thinking about my life, where i am and where i've been. this also brings up interviews, and more specifically, when i'm asked, "what kind of person are you?" well, that gets me thinking alot. am i the person prior to may 6th of 2004 who did some horrible things on a daily basis? or am i the person that has worked, at least a little, to build a new life (essentially building character and back-bone)? most of the time i think i'm both. i have the history and the ability to go back to the wretched individual from before, i mean, i still have the memories and i still have dream (or nightmares) about drugs and alcohol. but i don't want to go back, not now, not ever. however, i also have almost three solid years of sobriety. i've worked to be an honest and genuine human being. it's hard, to be able to sit back and look at my own actions and to turn off any egotistic or prideful tendencies that can impede on my own growth. sometimes it takes asking another person, "what do you think of me?" and i really do prefer an honest answer. it's been hard, and since i'm unemployed right now, i have a lot of time to myself to look inward and work on what, i feel, needs to be done. what i did before stemmed from a highly selfish character defect, and with that knowledge, i want to weed that out and replace it with genuine-ness and good 'ole humble pie.
i digress, as what i've come to enjoy most, is not so much how much fun i can have out of the present moment, but how much the moment can be shared with others, with happiness derived from the smiles on other peoples faces. simply put, the more smiles i see on those around me, the bigger my grin (is that still selfish?).
anyways, back to who i am and what am i doing. referring to interviews, of course i give the standard answer that i'm hard working and honest yadda yadda yadda. but i can't say i feel i am giving the honest answer and that is what leaves me deeply concerned after all my interviews. if i dished out the person i have been, i'll never get a job. maybe i have too much time on my hands to think. i know that i want to be a better person and i hope that what i am doin leads me in the right direction. i used to pray and ask for forgiveness from those that i hurt and only thank myself for another sober day. but, i stopped praying. i should probably start praying again, i know it makes me feel better, or at least gives me peace.
i still don't know who i am, but i sure hope what i'm doin is right.
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| My dad got some old home movies converted to dvd through some service and we received them in the mail today. It's funny to be able to see yourself in a video that about 12 years old. My dad says I look the same and for the most part sound the same, I don't know if that is a good thing. Anyways, I don't know how other people's memories are, but I can't really recall alot of the stuff on video. And because of the lost memories, I have to bring this "dead horse" up again, my abuse years. I can't help but think that what I did to myself permanently took away from me some of the memories of my youth. I'm happy where I am right now, and I'm happy for the life I have today, but I can't for the life of me remember alot of what's on the video's. For example, I watched myself in Europe and I could only recall like one thing, and I thought to myself, "see what you did!" Anyways, thought I might write about it so as not to feel too bad. So, there goes that.
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| Just got our new DELL XPS 410 as our Home Theater PC with Windows Vista, and all I have to say about it is WOW! It rocks and I can't wait to play around with it some more.
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